ND4SPD

> Little Rebecca comes home from first grade and tells her father that
> they learned about the history of Christmas. "Since Christmas is for
> Christians and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for
> giving someone a Christmas card?
>
> Rebecca's father thinks! a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would
> get mad. Who do you want to give a Christmas card to?"
>
> "Osama Bin Laden," she says.
>
> "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?
>
> "Well", she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
> have enough love to give Osama a card, he might start to think that
> maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
> And if other kids saw what I did and sent cards to Osama, he'd love
> everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
> everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
>
> Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound
> pride.
>
> Rebecca, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
>
> "I know," Rebecca says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
> Marines could blow the shit out of him and send him back to hell where
> he belongs.

ND4SPD

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.

The thrid guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

ND4SPD

Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it would know what he was doing there.

Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house . . walked home and left it there all night.

You just gotta love that Henry.

ND4SPD

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,
p utting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men
march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me
Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between
Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches
Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

ND4SPD

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
>
> They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light beer truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
>
> Here are the scorecards from the event: Frank is Judge #3.
>
>
> Chili # 1 - Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
>
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh*t! What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
> Chili # 2 - Austin's Afterburner Chili...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
> I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
>
> Chili # 3 - Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
> Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill... My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t- faced from all of the beer...
>
> Chili # 4 - Dave's Black Magic..
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods;
> not much of a chili.
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
> Chili # 5 - Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticked me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>
> Chili # 6 - Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh*t on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
> except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
>
>
> Chili # 7 - Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
>
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me
> I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
> Chili # 8 - Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
>
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

ND4SPD

Hate your job?



On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure to get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, close the blinds and take the phone off the hook so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement....

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am soooo glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."

ND4SPD

Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking Dry Wall..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye. . .

ND4SPD

A Poem That Gives You Goosebumps...


A drunk man in an Oldsmobile

They said had run the light

That caused the six-car pileup

On 109 that night.

When broken bodies lay about

"And blood was everywhere,"

"The sirens screamed out eulogies,"

For death was in the air.

"A mother, trapped inside her car,"

Was heard above the noise;

Her plaintive plea near split the air:

"Oh, God, please spare my boys!"

She fought to loose her pinned hands;

"She struggled to get free,"

But mangled metal held her fast

In grim captivity.

Her frightened eyes then focused

"On where the back seat once had been,"

But all she saw was broken glass and

Two children's seats crushed in.

Her twins were nowhere to be seen;

"She did not hear them cry, "

"And then she prayed they'd been thrown free, "

"Oh, God, don't let them die! "

Then firemen came and cut her loose, "

"But when they searched the back, "

"They found therein no little boys, "

But the seat belts were intact.

They thought the woman had gone mad

"And was traveling alone, "

"But when they turned to question her, "

They discovered she was gone.

Policemen saw her running wild

And screaming above the noise

"In beseeching supplication, "

Please help me find my boys!

They're four years old and wear blue shirts;

"Their jeans are blue to match.""

"One cop spoke up, ""They're in my car, "

And they don't have a scratch.

They said their daddy put them there

"And gave them each a cone, "

Then told them both to wait for Mom

To come and take them home.

"I've searched the area high and low, "

But I can't find their dad.

"He must have fled the scene, "

"I guess, and that is very bad."

"The mother hugged the twins and said, "

"While wiping at a tear, "

"He could not flee the scene, you see, "

"For he's been dead a year."

"The cop just looked confused and asked, "

"Now, how can that be true? "

"The boys said, ""Mommy, Daddy came "

"And left a kiss for you."" "

He told us not to worry

"And that you would be all right, "

And then he put us in this car with

"The pretty, flashing light. "

"We wanted him to stay with us, "

"Because we miss him so, "

"But Mommy, he just hugged us tight "

And said he had to go.

He said someday we'd understand

"And told us not to fuss, "

"And he said to tell you, Mommy, "

"He's watching over us."

The mother knew without a doubt

"That what they spoke was true, "

"For she recalled their dad's last words, "

" I will watch over you."

The fireman's notes could not explain

"The twisted, mangled car, "

And how the three of them escaped

Without a single scar.

"But on the cop's report was scribed, "

"In print so very fine, "

An angel walked the beat tonight on Highway 109.

ND4SPD

Aug. 20 - Moved to our new home in Ohio.
It is so beautiful here. The hills are so picturesque.
Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.
This is God's Country. I love it here!









Oct. 14 - Ohio is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are
turning all different colors - you should see the beautiful shades of
red
and orange and yellow! Went for a ride through some beautiful rolling
hills and spotted some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are
the
most peaceful animals on earth. This must be Paradise... I love it here!







Nov. 3 - Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine
anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature, the
very symbol of peace and tranquility. Hope it will
snow soon. I love it here!





Dec. 2 - It snowed last night! Woke up to find everything blanketed in
white, just like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off
the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight
(I won) and when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway
again. What a beautiful place. Mother nature in perfect harmony. I love
Ohio!









Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick
again (that rascal) and pushed all the snow back into the driveway,
but we bundled up and had a good time clearing it - and we made
a snowman out of it! A winter wonderland... I love it here!







Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of
the driveway to get to work on time! I'm exhausted
from shoveling. That dang snowplow!





Dec. 22 - More of that white crap fell last night.
I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think
the snowplow man hides around the corner and waits
until I'm done shoveling this driveway, the jerk!
And you should see our heating bills!









Dec. 25 - "White Christmas" my busted butt! More friggin snow.
If I ever get my hands on that son of a bit** who drives that snowplow,
I swear I'll break the bastard's nose. Don't know why they don't use
more salt on the roads to melt this friggin ICE!







Dec. 28 - More white sh*t last night. Been inside since
Christmas Day except for shoveling out the driveway
every time "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go
anywhere, car's buried in a mountain of frozen snow.
The weatherman says to expect another 10" of the
sh*t tonight. Do you know how many shovels full
of snow 10" is?







Jan. 1 - Happy Damn New Year, the weatherman was wrong AGAIN.
We got two feet of the white sh*t this time. At this rate it won't melt
before the Fourth of July. The snowplow got stuck up the road, and the
jerk had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel.
After I told him I've broken six shovels already, shoveling all the sh*t
he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his damn head!





Jan. 8 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the
store to get food and on the way back, a damn deer ran
in front of the car and I hit the bastard. Did about
$3,000 worth of damage to the car. Those damn beasts
ought to be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all
last November.









Mar. 22 - Took the car to the garage in town.
Would you believe the thing is rotting out from all
that damn salt they keep dumping all over the road?
Car looks like a piece of sh*t!





April. 10 - Moved back to North Carolina. I can't imagine why
anyone in their right mind would ever want to live
in that God forsaken state of Ohio!

ND4SPD

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On a Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

ND4SPD

You Know You're From Cleveland If.....


You actually know what Ghetto Tea is.

The phrase "lake effect" strikes terror in your heart

You always knew you lived in the Rock n Roll Capital of the World

Tourists ask you what time the river catches fire

You believe the Second Coming meant the Browns returning in 1999

You don't really know any homosexuals, you just know that there are a lot of them in Lakewood.

You know you don't really have an accent, the rest of the world does.

You take Dead Man's Curve at 60 mph holding your breath.

You know about the Eastside/Westside rivalry and you support it, but don't quite understand it.

Your neighborhood schools went without sports because all the senior citizens refused to pass the levies.

You actually know how to pronounce Cuyahoga.

You can't tell Brook Park, Brooklyn, or Old Brooklyn apart.

You see Christmas lights still up in July.

You have gotten 3 speeding tickets, and they are all from the mile long stretch of a suburb named Linndale.

You have no idea how exactly to get to the Flats, you just kind of end up on a bank and start partying.

St. Patty's Day is your number one holiday, and even if you aren't Irish.

You hear there are always famous people in town, but you have never seen one.

You take credit for Cedar Point even though it is 2 hours away.

You honestly believe that Cleveland is the best city in the world.

You're still dumbfounded by the Leaping Fountain in Tower City.

You have never ridden in a taxi.

You wear shorts the first day of the year it isn't below 30 and snowing, just because you can.

You're still relishing 1987 when we ALMOST made it to the Super Bowl.

You counted down with the monument in Tower City to t he exact second in 1999, when the Browns came back.

You know Tower City isn't a city at all.

You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You live less than 30 minutes from some college or university.

You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candy ones.

Toward the lake means north, and toward the river means south.

You measure distance in minutes.

You've had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example:
Where's my coat at?

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You carry jumper cables in your car.

You know what 'pop' is.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, but requires 6 pages for sports.

ND4SPD

> The Why's of Men
>
> 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
>
> ( because they are plugged into a genius)
>
>
>
> 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
>
> (they don't have enough time)
>
>
>
> 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
>
> (they don't stop to ask directions)
>
>
>
> 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
>
> (because their balls fall over-their butt hole and they vapor lock)
>
> (You'r laughing aren't you?!?!)
>
>
>
> 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
>
> (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
>
>
>
> 6. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
>
> (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
>
>
>
> Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...
>
> Then you are just an old sour fart.

ND4SPD

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

ND4SPD

A South Carolina man is drinking in a Florida bar when, he gets a call
on his cellphone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round
of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a
typical South Carolina baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe
that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Man just shrugs,
"That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical
South Carolina baby boy. Congratulations showered him from all around,
and many exclamations of "WOW!". One woman actually fainted due to
sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to th e bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're
the father of that typical South Carolina baby that weighed 25 pounds
at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two
weeks.
So how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen
pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.
"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!" The
father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his
shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him
circumcised!"

ND4SPD

A Grave Tragedy

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied... "My wife's first husband."

ND4SPD

The True Origin of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

ND4SPD

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
>thought
> she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he
>called
> the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
>
> The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the Husband could
> perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
>
> Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from
>her,
> and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If
>not,
> go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." That
> evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the
>den.
> He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
>
> Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.
>So
> the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife
>and
> repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
>
> Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
>wife
> and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.
>
> So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's
>for
> dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her.
> "Honey, what's for dinner?"
>
>
>
> (I just love this)
>
>
>
>
>
>




"Frank, for the FIFTH Fudgein time, CHICKEN!"

ND4SPD

Rabbi Levy had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing.She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"

"Oh, sister," chuckled Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."