Jokes - Page 4

JimmyNeutral · 02-03-2007, 01:38 AM

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

JimmyNeutral · 02-03-2007, 01:47 AM

Car Care

Judi was bored with driving her BMW. She fancied something a
bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. That week,
she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar
XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in
love with its gorgeous red paint work.

An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the
leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car.

Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring
from the radio - what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the
car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood
and concluded, after a few minutes, that she didn't have a
bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily, she had her mobile phone
with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short
wait later, she saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind
her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be
the matter?

Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the
engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I
have to do that?"

CBRVFR · 02-03-2007, 12:37 PM

Thanks for the stories, Jimmy

ND4SPD · 02-05-2007, 01:57 PM

Blind Man Enters Girl Biker Bar
>
> A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He
> finds his
> way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for
> a while,
> he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a
> blonde joke?"
> The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
> voice,
> the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke,
> sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind --
> that you should know five things:
> 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
> 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
> 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in
> karate.
> 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
> weightlifter.
> 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional
> wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. "Do you still
> wanna tell
> that joke?"
> The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
> "No. not
> if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

quick26 · 02-06-2007, 09:17 AM

God Said, Adam I Want you to do Something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill.

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as
well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said

*

*
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!
*

*

*

*

*

*

"What's a headache?"

ONEvcs · 02-06-2007, 02:24 PM

LIVING WILL

While I was watching the play-off games last weekend, my wife and I got
into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to
exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids
from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.

CBRVFR · 02-08-2007, 09:39 PM

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Have you ever done anything of particular merit?", St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to
the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were
threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but
they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed
biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his
nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or
you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

CBRVFR · 02-08-2007, 09:41 PM

a guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar
and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving
drinks to an eager looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the
handjobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies, "Well go wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

CBRVFR · 02-08-2007, 09:45 PM

>Moral of the Story.............
>
>Once upon a time, and far far away, lived a beautiful Queen with
>voluptuous breasts.
>Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be
>death should he try to touch them.
>
>One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
>Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
>Horatio the physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the
>Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold
>coins to arrange it.
>
>Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
>
>The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
>poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon
>after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
>
>Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
>Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special
>saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and
>that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer
>would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
>
>The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.
>
>Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote
>for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for
>the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous
>and magnificent breasts.
>
>The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer
>left satisfied and touted as a hero.
>
>Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the
>Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
>
>With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have
>cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report
>this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
>
>The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
>itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned
>Nick the Dragon Slayer.........
>
>
>The moral of the story........ Pay your bills

Jetbdude · 02-08-2007, 10:02 PM

ARAB APLICATION FOR VISA:

Consul: What is your name?

Arab: Abdul Aziz

Consul: Sex?

Arab: Six to ten times a week

Consul: I mean, male or female?

Arab: Both male and female and sometimes even camels .

Consul: Holy cow!

Arab: Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!

Consul: Man ...isn't it hostile?

Arab: Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul: Oh..........dear!

Arab: Deer? No deer, they run too fast

CBRVFR · 02-12-2007, 11:06 AM

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where
she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and
masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she
tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a
spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

quick26 · 02-12-2007, 11:11 AM

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.

"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

quick26 · 02-16-2007, 02:25 PM

AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A
STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED
HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, THE MOTHER ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND
THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE,
GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE
OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED
HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR.

TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M
THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO
A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED
THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING
FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.

SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING
A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE
COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW

CBRVFR · 02-20-2007, 10:18 AM

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after Graduating from
Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing
with one leg raised
in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very
carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large
piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he
could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the
elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man,
and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense
moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where
Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at
Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant
did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the
man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this
was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the
railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

tigerblade · 02-20-2007, 10:24 AM

LMAO @ CBRVFR!

ONEvcs · 02-21-2007, 11:58 AM

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

Click image for larger version

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P.S. Your girlfriend called.

ONEvcs · 02-22-2007, 10:00 AM

If you hear a cell phone, hold your breath...

quick26 · 02-26-2007, 07:47 AM

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel,
where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself,
"Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

The second man married a telephone operator.

Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's
one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you
pop that top button.. Va-voom."

The third man married a school teacher.

Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She
may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid."

At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the
teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the
other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.

The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wa! nting < BR>breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the
door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed
and his hair nicely combed.

"Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse."

"Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard
last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're
not sanitary'."

The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone
operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as
quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in
shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.

"What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as
supposed to be as sexy as their voices."

"Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I
heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your thre! e minut es are u p,
your three minutes are up'."

Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be
calling at any moment.

Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.

Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the
couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The
man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there
were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.

"My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst.
"Did you have a fight?"

The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you
marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her
sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and
over again, until we get it right'."

quick26 · 02-26-2007, 07:48 AM

Medicare Health Insurance, in a nutshell:

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking"

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

quick26 · 02-26-2007, 09:55 AM

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE
FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up
to bed when his
wife
told him that he'd left the light on in the garden
shed, which she
could
see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light
but saw that there
were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your
house?" and he
said,
"No, they're burglarizing my shed out back". Then the
dispatcher said
that
all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock
his door and stay
inside, and that an officer would be along when
available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and
phoned the police
again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because
there were people
breaking into my shed. Well, you don't have to worry
about them now
'cause
I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three patrol cars, an Armed
Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and
caught the burglars
red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you
said that you'd
shot
them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
available!"

(True Story)
I LOVE IT.

quick26 · 02-28-2007, 01:03 PM

The Ten Commandments, Ebonic Style
>
> Sometimes you have to change the message's style to get it across.
>
>
> Try this for some who don't understand the King James Version:
>
> 1. I'm God. Don't play me.
> (I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have any other gods before me.)
>
> 2. Don't be makin no hood ornaments and charms outta me, or like me.
> (Thou shalt not have any graven images.)
>
> 3. Don't be callin' me for no reason
> (Thou shalt not use the name of the Lord thy God in vain.)
>
> 4. Y'all betta be in church on Sunday, and not just the Sundays when
> it's Mother's day, Easter and Christmas
> (Remember to keep the Sabbath day holy.)
>
> 5. Don't dis or cuss out yo momma.....and if you know who ya daddy is,
> don't dis him neither.
> (Honor thy father and thy mother.)
>
> 6. no drive bys.
> (Thou shalt not kill.)
>
> 7. Stick to ya own Boo.
> (Thou shalt not commit adultery.)
>
> 8. Don't be borrow'n stuff and don't give it back.
> (Thou shalt not steal.)
>
> 9. Don't be snitchin' on the otha' man to save your behind.
> (Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy brother.)
>
> 10. Don't be eyein' (skeeming) yo homie's crib, ride, woman, or
nuffin.
> (Thou shalt not covet anything that belongs to thy brother.)

02-03-2007, 01:38 AM	#91
JimmyNeutral Join Date: 01-23-2007 Location: San Jose, Calif. Age: 51 Bike(s): CBR900RR, WR426F Posts: 128	Re: Jokes A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

02-03-2007, 01:47 AM	#92
JimmyNeutral Join Date: 01-23-2007 Location: San Jose, Calif. Age: 51 Bike(s): CBR900RR, WR426F Posts: 128	Re: Jokes Car Care Judi was bored with driving her BMW. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. That week, she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio - what could possibly go wrong? At that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded, after a few minutes, that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily, she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait later, she saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her. "That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter? Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid." "Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again. "Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied. Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?"

02-03-2007, 12:37 PM	#93
CBRVFR Godspeed, #20 Join Date: 12-13-2006 Age: 55 Bike(s): VFR750 SV650 TZ250 Posts: 5,098	Re: Jokes Thanks for the stories, Jimmy __________________ "...the TV also never took away the screwdriver and shoved it up the repairman's ass." Our own Mr.2nd Amendment, explaining the difference. Perfectly. Rich Herald, the Gentle Giant

02-05-2007, 01:57 PM	#94
ND4SPD I'm BATMAN!!! Join Date: 12-12-2006 Bike(s): Trek Posts: 8,138 Images: 25	Re: Jokes Blind Man Enters Girl Biker Bar > > A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He > finds his > way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for > a while, > he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a > blonde joke?" > The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky > voice, > the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, > sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- > that you should know five things: > 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. > 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. > 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in > karate. > 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional > weightlifter. > 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional > wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. "Do you still > wanna tell > that joke?" > The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, > "No. not > if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." __________________ "This is your life - are you who you want to be?" Learn all you need to know about Mac OS X

02-06-2007, 09:17 AM	#95
quick26 Join Date: 12-18-2006 Location: Elizabeth City, NC Age: 25 Bike(s): 06 TRX 450r Posts: 1,613	Re: Jokes God Said, Adam I Want you to do Something for me." Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do You want me to do?" God said, "Go down into that valley." Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "What's a river?" God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill. Adam said, "What is a hill?" So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave" Adam said, "What's a cave?" After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman." Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce." Adam said, "How do I do that?" God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said * * YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! * * * * * * "What's a headache?" __________________ I am not post whoring, I am providing an abundance of useless opinion.

02-06-2007, 02:24 PM	#96
ONEvcs Bull Fighter Join Date: 12-18-2006 Location: Ft. Worth Age: 40 Bike(s): '05CBR1000RR. Posts: 2,505 Images: 99	Re: Jokes LIVING WILL While I was watching the play-off games last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle. She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer. Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass. __________________ "Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live in the real world." … Mary Shafer, NASA Engineer

02-08-2007, 09:39 PM	#97
CBRVFR Godspeed, #20 Join Date: 12-13-2006 Age: 55 Bike(s): VFR750 SV650 TZ250 Posts: 5,098	Re: Jokes A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Have you ever done anything of particular merit?", St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!" St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Just a couple minutes ago." __________________ "...the TV also never took away the screwdriver and shoved it up the repairman's ass." Our own Mr.2nd Amendment, explaining the difference. Perfectly. Rich Herald, the Gentle Giant

02-08-2007, 09:41 PM	#98
CBRVFR Godspeed, #20 Join Date: 12-13-2006 Age: 55 Bike(s): VFR750 SV650 TZ250 Posts: 5,098	Re: Jokes a guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HANDJOB: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to an eager looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "I am." The man replies, "Well go wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger." __________________ "...the TV also never took away the screwdriver and shoved it up the repairman's ass." Our own Mr.2nd Amendment, explaining the difference. Perfectly. Rich Herald, the Gentle Giant

02-08-2007, 09:45 PM	#99
CBRVFR Godspeed, #20 Join Date: 12-13-2006 Age: 55 Bike(s): VFR750 SV650 TZ250 Posts: 5,098	Re: Jokes >Moral of the Story............. > >Once upon a time, and far far away, lived a beautiful Queen with >voluptuous breasts. >Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be >death should he try to touch them. > >One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the >Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. >Horatio the physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the >Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold >coins to arrange it. > >Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. > >The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and >poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon >after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. > >Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, >Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special >saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and >that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer >would work as the antidote to cure the itch. > >The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. > >Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote >for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for >the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous >and magnificent breasts. > >The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer >left satisfied and touted as a hero. > >Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the >Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. > >With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have >cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report >this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost. > >The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same >itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned >Nick the Dragon Slayer......... > > >The moral of the story........ Pay your bills __________________ "...the TV also never took away the screwdriver and shoved it up the repairman's ass." Our own Mr.2nd Amendment, explaining the difference. Perfectly. Rich Herald, the Gentle Giant

02-08-2007, 10:02 PM	#100
Jetbdude #20 Join Date: 12-13-2006 Age: 34 Bike(s): 07 600RR Posts: 2,546	Re: Jokes ARAB APLICATION FOR VISA: Consul: What is your name? Arab: Abdul Aziz Consul: Sex? Arab: Six to ten times a week Consul: I mean, male or female? Arab: Both male and female and sometimes even camels . Consul: Holy cow! Arab: Yes, cows and dogs too!!!! Consul: Man ...isn't it hostile? Arab: Horse style, dog style, any style Consul: Oh..........dear! Arab: Deer? No deer, they run too fast

02-12-2007, 11:06 AM	#101
CBRVFR Godspeed, #20 Join Date: 12-13-2006 Age: 55 Bike(s): VFR750 SV650 TZ250 Posts: 5,098	Re: Jokes A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected. __________________ "...the TV also never took away the screwdriver and shoved it up the repairman's ass." Our own Mr.2nd Amendment, explaining the difference. Perfectly. Rich Herald, the Gentle Giant

02-12-2007, 11:11 AM	#102
quick26 Join Date: 12-18-2006 Location: Elizabeth City, NC Age: 25 Bike(s): 06 TRX 450r Posts: 1,613	Re: Jokes A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal." __________________ I am not post whoring, I am providing an abundance of useless opinion.

02-16-2007, 02:25 PM	#103
quick26 Join Date: 12-18-2006 Location: Elizabeth City, NC Age: 25 Bike(s): 06 TRX 450r Posts: 1,613	Re: Jokes AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, THE MOTHER ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE. THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE. A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY. THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW __________________ I am not post whoring, I am providing an abundance of useless opinion.

02-20-2007, 10:18 AM	#104
CBRVFR Godspeed, #20 Join Date: 12-13-2006 Age: 55 Bike(s): VFR750 SV650 TZ250 Posts: 5,098	Re: Jokes In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after Graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant. __________________ "...the TV also never took away the screwdriver and shoved it up the repairman's ass." Our own Mr.2nd Amendment, explaining the difference. Perfectly. Rich Herald, the Gentle Giant

02-20-2007, 10:24 AM	#105
tigerblade Just curious Join Date: 12-15-2006 Location: The MIL Age: 34 Bike(s): SV650S Posts: 2,114	Re: Jokes LMAO @ CBRVFR! __________________ Seems that doomsday's come early this year

02-28-2007, 01:04 PM	#112
quick26

02-21-2007, 11:58 AM	#106
ONEvcs Bull Fighter Join Date: 12-18-2006 Location: Ft. Worth Age: 40 Bike(s): '05CBR1000RR. Posts: 2,505 Images: 99	Re: Jokes To my darling husband, Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again. Your loving wife. XXX P.S. Your girlfriend called. __________________ "Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live in the real world." … Mary Shafer, NASA Engineer

02-26-2007, 07:47 AM	#108
quick26 Join Date: 12-18-2006 Location: Elizabeth City, NC Age: 25 Bike(s): 06 TRX 450r Posts: 1,613	Re: Jokes Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot." The second man married a telephone operator. Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom." The third man married a school teacher. Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid." At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day. The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wa! nting < BR>breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. "Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse." "Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'." The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed. "What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices." "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your thre! e minut es are u p, your three minutes are up'." Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment. Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast. Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs. "My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?" The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'." __________________ I am not post whoring, I am providing an abundance of useless opinion.

02-26-2007, 07:48 AM	#109
quick26 Join Date: 12-18-2006 Location: Elizabeth City, NC Age: 25 Bike(s): 06 TRX 450r Posts: 1,613	Re: Jokes Medicare Health Insurance, in a nutshell: The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking" "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is." "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him." __________________ I am not post whoring, I am providing an abundance of useless opinion.

02-26-2007, 09:55 AM	#110
quick26 Join Date: 12-18-2006 Location: Elizabeth City, NC Age: 25 Bike(s): 06 TRX 450r Posts: 1,613	Re: Jokes HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE. George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said, "No, they're burglarizing my shed out back". Then the dispatcher said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and stay inside, and that an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people breaking into my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three patrol cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" (True Story) I LOVE IT. __________________ I am not post whoring, I am providing an abundance of useless opinion.

02-28-2007, 01:03 PM	#111
quick26 Join Date: 12-18-2006 Location: Elizabeth City, NC Age: 25 Bike(s): 06 TRX 450r Posts: 1,613	Re: Jokes The Ten Commandments, Ebonic Style > > Sometimes you have to change the message's style to get it across. > > > Try this for some who don't understand the King James Version: > > 1. I'm God. Don't play me. > (I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have any other gods before me.) > > 2. Don't be makin no hood ornaments and charms outta me, or like me. > (Thou shalt not have any graven images.) > > 3. Don't be callin' me for no reason > (Thou shalt not use the name of the Lord thy God in vain.) > > 4. Y'all betta be in church on Sunday, and not just the Sundays when > it's Mother's day, Easter and Christmas > (Remember to keep the Sabbath day holy.) > > 5. Don't dis or cuss out yo momma.....and if you know who ya daddy is, > don't dis him neither. > (Honor thy father and thy mother.) > > 6. no drive bys. > (Thou shalt not kill.) > > 7. Stick to ya own Boo. > (Thou shalt not commit adultery.) > > 8. Don't be borrow'n stuff and don't give it back. > (Thou shalt not steal.) > > 9. Don't be snitchin' on the otha' man to save your behind. > (Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy brother.) > > 10. Don't be eyein' (skeeming) yo homie's crib, ride, woman, or nuffin. > (Thou shalt not covet anything that belongs to thy brother.) __________________ I am not post whoring, I am providing an abundance of useless opinion.