ND4SPD

Two Irish engineers Patrick and Seamus (Design Engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Patrick, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "12 feet" and then walked away.

Seamus shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

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seamus

You did that on purpose didn't you?

ND4SPD

No, that is how I got it. That's why I posted it

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JBOOGIE

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

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bda116

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

__________________
"Islam isn't in America to be equal to any other faith, but to become dominant. The Koran should be the highest authority in America, and Islam the only accepted religion on Earth." - Omar M. Ahmad, founding chairman of CAIR.

bda116

THE PERFECT BREAKFAST
You're sitting at the table with your steak and eggs.
Your son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Your daughter is on the cover Vogue.
Your girlfriend is on the cover of Playboy.
And your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

__________________
"Islam isn't in America to be equal to any other faith, but to become dominant. The Koran should be the highest authority in America, and Islam the only accepted religion on Earth." - Omar M. Ahmad, founding chairman of CAIR.

JBOOGIE

One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.
She says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.''
The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?''

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evl_twn

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my , I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.


The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !


"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, " she replies. . . . . "

"You just happened to catch my eye."

quick26

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years,
when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for
thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left,
"Would you care to do it again?"

He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's!
But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head."

......... AND WHAT WERE YOU.... THINKING?

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I am not post whoring, I am providing an abundance of useless opinion.

quick26

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose
woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so
you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped,
Johnny Parisi, and I admire that but you've sinned and
have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over
and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads."

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Purpdust

Clever woman - but then they usually are !!


There was a man, who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money,
And was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he
Said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it
In the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."


And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
Died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.


Well, he died.


He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black,
And her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the
Ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the
Wife said, "Wait just a minute!"


She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the
Casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it
Away.


Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in
There with your husband."


The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back On my
Word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that Casket with
him."


"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I
sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and
wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

__________________
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JimmyNeutral

On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for the teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet. The candy-store owner's daughter handed the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid withy her finger and tasted it.

"It is wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy.

"I give up," she said. "What is it?"
"A puppy!"

JBOOGIE

Classic !

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quick26

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough there was my wife's golf ball.....stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey this looks like yours!"

__________________
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Hammer

A man has 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a guy comes down and asks him if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, "the seat is empty."

"That's incredible," said the guy. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

The man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Bears game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1957."

The guy replies, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at her funeral."

JimmyNeutral

THE OLD BOAT
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old, dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of tourists who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much as he could from the sunken vessel.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore, he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy." I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted

JimmyNeutral

A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to
broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed,
they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic
herbs and exotic fruits.

Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors
than you could ever imagine.

"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the
teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries,
lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in
their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and
Mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and
shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're arseholes!"

JBOOGIE

A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew," the bartender remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."
"You would be too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.
"Fifty cents."

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quick26

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

__________________
I am not post whoring, I am providing an abundance of useless opinion.

quick26

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not
in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of
coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of
his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the
room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee and asks, "Do you remember
20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks
solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so
caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not
coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of
my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him.

The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the
shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will
send you to jail for 20 years?' "

"I remember that too," she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said . .. .

"I would have gotten out today."

__________________
I am not post whoring, I am providing an abundance of useless opinion.

nhfirefighter13

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.


1951 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.



Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.



1951 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +



Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1951 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.

2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++



Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.



1951 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

++++++++++++ +++++++++ ++++++++



Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.



1951 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal who has a headache also.

2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

++++++++++++ +++++++++ ++++



Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1951 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.

2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.

++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++



Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1951: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by political groups. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

++++++++++++ +++++++++



Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1951 - Ants die.

2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

++++++++++++ +++++++++


Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.


1951 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.

__________________


http://www.kezerphotography.com

"If thou hast not a sword, sell thy cloak and buy one." -Luke 22:36

bda116

Unfortunately, those aren't jokes. Those are truths thanks to the moronic public school system.
Perfect example of things the government fucks up and shouldn't be involved in in any way, shape or form.

__________________
"Islam isn't in America to be equal to any other faith, but to become dominant. The Koran should be the highest authority in America, and Islam the only accepted religion on Earth." - Omar M. Ahmad, founding chairman of CAIR.

JimmyNeutral

EuroEnglish

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

Revvv